First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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