I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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