I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
