The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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