i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
