I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
