Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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