I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
