wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
did you just send me my own nude
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
