Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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