We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
