So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
