sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
