Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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