I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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