so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
