No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
