The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
