There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
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I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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