i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
