Girls should come with a carfax report
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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