I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
