he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
