then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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