So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
