The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
