i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
send nudes
from the living room?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
