hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
we should paint friendship bongs
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