remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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