My liver just broke up with me...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
