Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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