so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
