I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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