chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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