If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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