booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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