I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
