That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
never play flip cup with pint glasses
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
