It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
