Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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