I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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