Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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