We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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