I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
