I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
