I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize