I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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