I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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