I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
