I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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