last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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