i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
