Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
