I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
