just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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