Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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