She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
